Nostradamus - Prognostications

Prognostications

Shit was starting to get real so I texted Dr. Nostradamus on the important-stuff-only hotline using a prearranged code alerting him that we had a problem: "Houston, we have a problem."

His response was immediate, almost before my finger lifted off the send button on my iPhone: "Roger, meet you at the same Starbucks as last time. 10:30 a.m. N."

I texted back: "I'm not Roger, who's this?"

Dr. N: It's me, N. N.

Reassured, I confirmed the 10:30 appointment and went back to watching Morning Joe. It was 6:00 a.m. giving me four and a half hours to watch more news, eat breakfast, walk the dogs, and still make it on time. I didn't want to be late for what promised to be a very important meeting.

The doctor was already at the coffee shop when I arrived. I could see he had ordered a grande flavored coffee drink, with whipped cream and sprinkles. 

"What's the problem?" Dr. N asked, even before I could sit down.

"Boss," I said, "The natives are getting restless. I am getting flak from all over. Many of the sleeper cell coordinators are suggesting that maybe it is time you started, you know, like, prognosticating."

The great prognosticator and time traveler Dr. Michel de Nostradamus fixed me with a withering stare, "Who is saying this?"

"I don't want to rat out anybody, but apparently the sleeper cell activation code I fucked up still had the incomplete effect of disturbing a lot of sleepers." I explained.

"How so?" he asked.

"Look Boss," I said, "Maybe it's just time you started predicting stuff."

N was defensive, "Predicting what?"

"The future!" I said, in a very loud voice, practically shouting. "Predicting the future! Do your job for crying out loud!"

People started looking our way.

I immediately backed off and told him that I needed to get some coffee. 

"Get me a triple shot of espresso while you are up there," he said, "I need to get jacked for this."

I  came back with my coffee and his triple espresso which he poured into his grande flavored coffee drink with sprinkles. "Okay," he said, "Let's do this."

"Boss," I said, "I've got a whole laundry list of questions here that have been dumped onto my desk (actually into my iPhone text message app). "Are you sure?"

"Go." he said.

"Okay," I said, "Here goes. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Go." he said.

Dolores in Duluth wants to know what numbers to pick for the lottery next week.
N: She is not asking for a prediction. Next.

Alex in Rhode Island wants to hire a manager for his family business. The guy who talks the best game has a track record of lying, cheating, stealing, and bankrupting businesses. Alex says he is  going to hire him because he likes what he says. What's going to happen?
N: He will lie, cheat, steal, and bankrupt your business. Next.

Alice in South Dakota wants to know if her boyfriend will cheat on her again.
N: Yes. Next.

Dr. N was pissed. "Who am I, Dear Abby?!? Have you even screened these questions?"

"Boss," I said, "These are questions from your sleeper cell sleepers. I assumed you or somebody had already vetted them."

"Go on." he said.

A grandfather in Southern California wants assurance that everything is going to be okay.
N: I'm not a soothsayer, as in saying soothing things. Next.

DeVito in Los Angeles wants to know what job fields are going to open up in the future for his kids and grand kids and so on down the line.
N: Finally a question worthy of my talents. But it is the wrong question. DeVito should not ask what job fields are going to open up in the future but who will succeed in adapting to and moving into whatever fields do open up.

So, the answer to the question that was not asked but should have been is this: Those people and their descendants who are grounded in the natural world and guided by the light of practical reason will be able to face a rapidly changing and challenging world with learning, intelligence and adaptability. 

Those poor bastards who were indoctrinated into magical thinking, religious ideologies, and a contempt for science and learning will be day laborers picking strawberries in the Central Valley. 

"How many more questions are there? My brain is full." Dr. N was obviously weary. "

"Lots," I said, "But we can get into those later. Do you want to take a break?"

"Yes," he said. "Let's meet again in a few days."

So I respectfully took my leave of the great Doctor Michel de Nostradamus sipping away at his supercharged Starbucks coffee drink.

Dixi